Camera Eye (I): Wasted

red solo cups were just about everywhere   so many of them that if you and I were to cross our eyes there would be a red blur surrounding us   amounts of alcohol one would consume before knowing the limits  

underage     hearing nearby conversations  LOL I am the fly on the wall  cautiously observing every detail

         mans hands touch and grab a lady’s body without her response under the influence so heavily   no thinking for herself    fondled with   taken advantage of perhaps later in the night   sex

  waking up in bed with some stranger   frightened  recalling every memory possible from the night before   no luck

                           life of disarray   don’t   shhhh     sit your cup down                             the bowl containing gallons of alcohol rested upon the stove   frat boys          sleazy girls  NOOO everyones trying to get lucky

         i watch it take place from afar   pouring a mysterious vile in the “punch bowl”     drugs ?   sip sip       dancing reckless like no ones watching     but I am

outrageous giggles over nonsense beats on my ear drum heavy and loud             drink this  chugging   woah alcohol stains on that guys clothing    peoples   reeked of the smell 

                  stumbling through the crowd    friends  why are you drinking so much       now she is dancing with the guys and secretly laughing with   strange girls    foreign liquids get mixed   eventually tossed down the throat and  down to the stomach

nausea   I hear   please come with me                        my hand is quickly grabbed and pulled in direction    weaving through the crowd   parting the RED SEA (solo cups  everywhere)                     forceful she opened the door                   feeling sick  she leaned   on the toilet   the music blaring   we have to scream to hear eachothers thoughts

         drunk  not I         he fell and lied there for a moment  on his feet again                                    vigorously dancing    tight low cut shirts that all those    damn  frat boys eyes    clung too

red solo cups were just about everywhere   so many of them that if you and I were to cross our eyes there would be a red blur surrounding us   amounts of alcohol one would consume before knowing the limits  

underage     hearing nearby conversations  LOL I am the fly on the wall  cautiously observing every detail

         mans hands touch and grab a lady’s body without her response under the influence so heavily   no thinking for herself    fondled with   taken advantage of perhaps later in the night   sex

  waking up in bed with some stranger   frightened  recalling every memory possible from the night before   no luck

                           life of disarray   don’t   shhhh     sit your cup down                             the bowl containing gallons of alcohol rested upon the stove   frat boys          sleazy girls  NOOO everyones trying to get lucky

         i watch it take place from afar   pouring a mysterious vile in the “punch bowl”     drugs ?   sip sip       dancing reckless like no ones watching     but I am

outrageous giggles over nonsense beats on my ear drum heavy and loud             drink this  chugging   woah alcohol stains on that guys clothing    peoples   reeked of the smell 

                  stumbling through the crowd    friends  why are you drinking so much       now she is dancing with the guys and secretly laughing with   strange girls    foreign liquids get mixed   eventually tossed down the throat and  down to the stomach

nausea   I hear   please come with me                        my hand is quickly grabbed and pulled in direction    weaving through the crowd   parting the RED SEA (solo cups  everywhere)                     forceful she opened the door                   feeling sick  she leaned   on the toilet   the music blaring   we have to scream to hear eachothers thoughts

         drunk  not I         he fell and lied there for a moment  on his feet again                                    vigorously dancing    tight low cut shirts that all those    damn  frat boys eyes    clung too

feeling confused and lost     why I thought  at times my eyes couldn't believe what I saw, heard, smelt, tasted and felt 

                  wasted

                  

This Camera Eye gives in details what I experienced going to my first college party. I was paranoid it would get busted, or I would become separated from my friends. I observed almost everything, cause I wanted a good idea on what was taking place. 

Camera Eye: Brothers without Brothers

              one such important house in my life was not my own
one i wished to stay at forever
 happiness attained from all the time there giving a feeling of belonging

a feeling of bliss  time spent there seems to last forever but only lasting a small time

    years spent with him learning everything from nothing 

time spent doing nothing but achieves everything

games played shows watched books read

              I enjoy every second at that house of the brother I never had being the brother he never had

meeting during early youth it feels like an eternity has gone by

every day I wait to go back  vacations there feel too short 

time spent when I was lived near was not enough now slight regret to past

     spending time with him whenever I can 

     however I can

     all time spent there is important to me all time spent there before was important

late nights were spent in laughter
days full of fun all of my time there is always fulfilling
first time we met we talked like true friends from the beginning
even at school our time was grand but nothing compared to the weekends and those days nothing compared to the days of the lengthy summer and winter

now I have moved away
  no longer can I spend as much time there as I want
time spent with him now far more precious then before
time there made special by all of our memories
reminds me of water parks with glistening sun
bowling alleys with gutterballs
theme parks with adrenaline rides
and just days where I relaxed with him

but times are good with him
so even little time spent feels like a grand old time
   so I wait all the time for the next time when I can be with him again
my friend
my brother

This Camera Eye describes all the times I have spent with my best friend who over time has become the closet, truest person to a brother I have. He's one of the most important people in my life and has made so much impacts in my life, as I have done for him. I don't know who I'd be without him, or where I'd be....but I know that all the time I've had with him will last with me forever. We are like true brothers even if we are only children.

Camera Eye (1)

The Camera Eye (1)

            one blue house for two generations with the cabin in the backyard he built for us and watched us play pretend and paint and hide and run and breathlessly go back and see if he saw

vanilla ice cream chocolate syrup and dress up in clothes when they were young and rummy and dominos and Shirley Temple and birthday shopping and Christmas eve and cousins and Doublemint gum

            after school and on school nights

           

            remembering his stories he reluctantly told about the war more valuable than the business he started himself while drinking black coffee and how he met her the importance to be kind how he was proud of me his laugh his chair at the end of the table and matching leather easy chairs and when he was fat and jolly and could go anywhere

            the summers were the best with the warm air easy for him to breath and go outside on the concrete porch and look at the flowers and hold his new grandson he didn’t get to know were the best times that rapidly came to a close

           

            oxygen tanks

            pajamas

            tubes

            medicine

           

            old enough to know something bad was coming but not old enough to know what to do when it did at am that Saturday being woken up when it was still gray outside and only being told the condensed version that the rest was only told recently not knowing when to cry or what to say or if it would be okay when the sun came up

            so many people cousins aunts uncles old friends and well wishers that weren’t doing any good at all because only could family know all that was lost at 5 am when it was still gray writing the last long letter to him that wasn’t enough

the angel pins

the long line of people waiting to see him one last time

            saying hello and thank you and hugging strangers

            knowing now how important he was and is and he built everything coming from nothing and realizing everything he said meant something even when he was being funny and desperately wishing he could tell one last story before he went or see his newest grandson one last time because he has the same laugh and he could teach him the importance of being kind like he did the rest of us

            missing him privately because it has been so long and should not be hard anymore but after eight years it always will be but not everyday and after eight years remembering the good times that were too good and made that gray morning worse because it was all because of him.

I wrote this blog post about my grandpa that passed away when I was eleven. I have so many fond memories of him, and he was influential to me in so many ways. He built our home, and he also built the business my father took over after he retired. We were very close, and he was the first person close to me that passed away so after he died I had a difficult time dealing with it. I never talk about him, so this was the perfect assignment for me to talk about the way he shaped my family and I.  

Camera Eye: A New Beginning

      it was cold and rainy when I finally decided it was time

      the thought drifted but action was never approached

      it had been two long years and my mind was racing and my hands were shaking

      not knowing if it was the right thing to do was frightening and overwhelming and almost unbearable

   

      there were good times and there were bad times but which outweighed the other? which way did my heart sway? it was cold and bitter

      I had a sense of unhappiness taking over my soul

      taking over my mind

      taking over my world

      there was nothing more for me in the place I resided for so long and this is why I knew I must get out

      I must get out so quickly and I must create a new life

   

      I was confused and afraid and alone even when I was not alone

      the unhappiness grew with each passing day

      money was a problem and smiling was a problem and love? even love came to be a problem

      I dreaded the days when I would see his face approaching me in fear that something was not the way he preferred

that anything was not the way he preferred

constant nail biting and nerve wrecking and tears falling

      what could I do wrong next? the question constantly in my head

      my friends in the distance and my family in the distance

      drifting away like a ship at sail

      get out they warned

      just leave this place and his face and the dismay you feel every day

      is this wrong or is this right or am I crazy or are they crazy or is this all just an overreaction

      it was cold and rainy when I finally decided it was time

      the air was bitter like my heart and the wind stung like a disturbed bee stung my heart every day

      there was no stopping the words that rolled off my tongue that night

      there was no stopping the tears that rolled off his face that night

      my heart was full and ready to burst like a balloon

      what I said next was not chosen and it was not thought out and it was not easy and it was not nice

      I could hear the deep voice that would soon be wailing at me in confusion and heartbreak and cold cold sadness

      that was the night that I had no filter and that was the night that I freed myself from a jail I had once long ago placed myself in

      it was the beginning of a new beginning and me? I could not wait to start over

      it was hard and it was confusing and it was beautiful all in one

      it was cold and rainy when I finally decided it was time

      it was finally time to be happy



This Camera Eye describes my two year relationship with my now ex boyfriend. It was one of the biggest parts of my life. It had a huge impact on how I lived and felt every day, and I just recently got out of the relationship. I feel like this is a new beginning for me and a transition on how I lived and my identity as a whole.

Camera Eye: Ayiti Cherie (Haiti Honey)

earth  dirt of clay  solid with rocks creating monumental craters dusty and dry only moist with water sprayed by residents eager to see cleanliness of their space poverty stricken but with class    the sun   shining bright   hot not humid   

            a feeling of    butterflies   on an empty stomach 

potholes  deep in the route  stop the noise of children squealing playing jacks and running with plastic tied on twigs     they are red   blue  a mess of recycled goodies all turn a jumbled mess into art      necessity calls for creativity

moments of pain felt by blue haired and blue eyes  stretched cream skin scattered bumps of insects into a hole of the    heart    soul   something missing in life not of two story houses and Lexus cars free education  a mom a dad and a picket fence

            a bump feels like two days on    two by fours   connected to the metal of a

rattling engine on wheels  seven miles in one hour at the pace of the donkey carrying the fruit of the garden alongside going

            faster     than 30 Americans on foreign soil

markets of organic sustainability are photographed by    metal boxes    holding images

white teeth   grinning from ear to ear   colorful clothing  prom queens without the title

seen by  the “others”  arrival to 100 singing voices in unison welcoming the friends made in ten days of   two languages  between the groups      understanding created spirit of cultivated unison   an embrace  which color?  who cares

            smiles   high fives   translators    stories   soccer  crafting      laughter

none to ever be  recreated by force but indescribable to a white culture of middle class haveitalls  seeing is believing you cant explain this in a motivational speech    

            music  boombox  who me?  yes    you with the skirt and tennis shoes glasses overweight and a little out of element    somehow an impact of life changed as understood by no one else with   impeccable fashion   hah  

worldchanger   tears of understanding  a new mission  two boys with beautiful concentrated melanin   one with headphones and a striped shirt  the next a belly full of sickness but the most gorgeous grin    like a mother   at my age me?  17 years

            and counting

chosen to be love and  share  humility   sent to share only to be served  with love ayiti cherie ou toujou nan kem

This Camera Eye depicts the adventure I had on my first trip to the country of Haiti. I arrived at the impressionable age of fifteen and the country has forever changed my life. It was there that I met the two boys my family and I have sponsored for years, spent two years serving in ministry as a result and still continue to cultivate relationships there  today.